I've always known I was an analyzing machine, over-thinker and sceptic. I knew it from the very early stages of my childhood. I felt different, and maybe because I was. Back then, when I had little experience and knowledge I thought I was just a superior form of human that was more intellectually aware and active than most. Now, being 19 years of age and struggling to find my place and meaning on this earth I think I have doomed myself because of it. I've had past problems with depression in my life. OCD has been tiring to say the least, and general feelings of emptiness has led to me devouring many hours of thinking. However i've always enjoyed and appreciated life outside of that, thinking that my problems were not going to be ever lasting or impossible to beat. Maybe it was because my problems always had an answer. When my OCD made me believe that I would kill myself with every knife that ever crossed my eyes, even though I really didn't intend to, my answer was an imbalance of brain chemicals and the help from therapy. When i suffered from general depression the answer was "Get up, do something. Stop isolating yourself in your room, alone with your thoughts". My point here is what I'm now facing holds no definite answer, as it is not technically a problem, rather an awakening of some sort, or exposure to a new way of seeing things. There's no meds to make you brainwash yourself, and kid your mind into believing what you already know. You have to live with it, or die because of it. I've always considered myself intellectually creative, and I've analyzed things to extraordinary lengths. Being the host of a creative mind, I've often times felt like I'm more aware than others. I see things and think things that ordinary people do not. Almost as if everyone is an ant, and i'm a cow. They are there, and I can see, hear and feel them, however they cannot see above the grass. Therefore, I will forever be lonely in my knowledge and perspective. I cannot transform them, simply because they are ants. They are almost exactly like an ant colony. A society of people who go about life with very narrow perceptions. This has taken a tull on me lately when feeling like I can't connect with anyone, even my family. My family is very traditional, in that they are very simple people with very simple minds and needs. They work, they eat & sleep, then ofcourse.. repeat. They know so little outside of their day-to-day lifecycle, and I frankly know so little about their world that we cannot seem to find a way to understand each other. But I too was once an ant. Only now I've started seeing life for what it is, the truth and undeniable horrors of it. I can't cope with it anymore, and hopelessness along with struggling to find meaning has settled and marked me in a way that can't be described. I used to be ordinary, considerably happy and extrovert, and comfortable enough around myself and other people. I didn't put too much consideration, value, into the ideas of other people, or other peoples mindset. Now I cannot stand the simple minds, that unfortunately is scattered around my whole life. My family, my friends, girlfriend. It's beginning to become unbearable. Everything I see when being with my friends is how stupidly ignorant and simple they are, how unaware and uninterested they are in the bigger scheme. They just live life, partying, picking up girls, traveling and so on. To say that i'm jealous would almost sound sarcastic. I'm actually very serious. I now consider myself to be lost, with no sense of self or meaning. There's no reason to go out looking for happiness because the world can't offer anything to be happy about anymore. I used to be passionate about things, such as videography and editing, along with alot of other things involving creating. I do not see the meaning in doing any of this anymore. I used to care about how I looked, and what I wore. I used to appreciate things, and Christmas presents was exciting. Now I feel like it doesn't matter, and even though I want to appreciate it, something tells me I shouldn't. I'm very sensitive to new ideas, in that I'm not repulsive against them but I often struggle to take a stance on things and know how to implement them into my life. Example: I watched a video with Jim Carrey on the existence of life, and felt very intrigued about the way he was talking, and how it seemed like he had actually reached something worth trying to reach. Then he started talking about materialistic things, and how they cannot make you happy, and how you are God and everything around you basically. I found myself overwhelmed, and confused. I wasn't sure if I agreed with that, or if I really wanted to see things from his perspective. But having watched the video, I felt obligated almost, like I had no choice but to examine his views further and try and pursue them. After all, I don't believe one would speak to passionately about something that wasn't worth it. It's almost as if that's all it takes to convince me that it's right. Yet an ordinary person would watch that video and consider him to be crazy, or even if they didn't they would probably just go on about their day and live the life like they know it. Sorry about going a little bit off topic, but I really want to share how I work, and how my mind works. I've come to the conclusion that I'm a nihilist. And wanting to save myself from it, I'm actively trying to look for answers, or invent answers, without success. Many people that are nihilist is also very knowledgable people, alot more than myself, and most of them probably possess a stronger intellectual mind than myself. Yet not even the smartest of people, can find an answer to this nightmare. Friedrich Nietzsche himself, is thought to have gone mad at one point, even though he was the the grand explorer of this disease. How am I going to be able to cope? How will I ever feel happy, not lonely and complete? I want to feel peace in being with ordinary people, without experiencing immense loneliness and frustration, and feeling a need for them to understand me. If this is impossible, my life is over, as I am no longer comfortable around my family, friends or girlfriend. I'd have to cut ties with all of them, and isolate myself even more. The fact is, my girlfriend has been trying to be understanding and trying to connect with me, however I know that if she truly did, she would be in the same position as me. She is not, thankfully, and is living her ordinary life, with her ordinary family and ordinary needs. I do love her, and I do appreciate her more than anyone else in my life, but like most others, she's still an ant, and i'm a cow.