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Existential Nihilism Depression

Discussion in 'Philosophy' started by alex, Dec 26, 2017.

  1. alex

    alex New Member

    I've always known I was an analyzing machine, over-thinker and sceptic. I knew it from the very early stages of my childhood. I felt different, and maybe because I was. Back then, when I had little experience and knowledge I thought I was just a superior form of human that was more intellectually aware and active than most. Now, being 19 years of age and struggling to find my place and meaning on this earth I think I have doomed myself because of it.

    I've had past problems with depression in my life. OCD has been tiring to say the least, and general feelings of emptiness has led to me devouring many hours of thinking. However i've always enjoyed and appreciated life outside of that, thinking that my problems were not going to be ever lasting or impossible to beat. Maybe it was because my problems always had an answer.
    When my OCD made me believe that I would kill myself with every knife that ever crossed my eyes, even though I really didn't intend to, my answer was an imbalance of brain chemicals and the help from therapy. When i suffered from general depression the answer was "Get up, do something. Stop isolating yourself in your room, alone with your thoughts". My point here is what I'm now facing holds no definite answer, as it is not technically a problem, rather an awakening of some sort, or exposure to a new way of seeing things. There's no meds to make you brainwash yourself, and kid your mind into believing what you already know. You have to live with it, or die because of it.

    I've always considered myself intellectually creative, and I've analyzed things to extraordinary lengths. Being the host of a creative mind, I've often times felt like I'm more aware than others. I see things and think things that ordinary people do not. Almost as if everyone is an ant, and i'm a cow. They are there, and I can see, hear and feel them, however they cannot see above the grass. Therefore, I will forever be lonely in my knowledge and perspective. I cannot transform them, simply because they are ants. They are almost exactly like an ant colony. A society of people who go about life with very narrow perceptions. This has taken a tull on me lately when feeling like I can't connect with anyone, even my family. My family is very traditional, in that they are very simple people with very simple minds and needs. They work, they eat & sleep, then ofcourse.. repeat. They know so little outside of their day-to-day lifecycle, and I frankly know so little about their world that we cannot seem to find a way to understand each other.

    But I too was once an ant. Only now I've started seeing life for what it is, the truth and undeniable horrors of it. I can't cope with it anymore, and hopelessness along with struggling to find meaning has settled and marked me in a way that can't be described. I used to be ordinary, considerably happy and extrovert, and comfortable enough around myself and other people. I didn't put too much consideration, value, into the ideas of other people, or other peoples mindset. Now I cannot stand the simple minds, that unfortunately is scattered around my whole life. My family, my friends, girlfriend. It's beginning to become unbearable. Everything I see when being with my friends is how stupidly ignorant and simple they are, how unaware and uninterested they are in the bigger scheme. They just live life, partying, picking up girls, traveling and so on. To say that i'm jealous would almost sound sarcastic. I'm actually very serious.

    I now consider myself to be lost, with no sense of self or meaning. There's no reason to go out looking for happiness because the world can't offer anything to be happy about anymore. I used to be passionate about things, such as videography and editing, along with alot of other things involving creating. I do not see the meaning in doing any of this anymore. I used to care about how I looked, and what I wore. I used to appreciate things, and Christmas presents was exciting. Now I feel like it doesn't matter, and even though I want to appreciate it, something tells me I shouldn't. I'm very sensitive to new ideas, in that I'm not repulsive against them but I often struggle to take a stance on things and know how to implement them into my life. Example: I watched a video with Jim Carrey on the existence of life, and felt very intrigued about the way he was talking, and how it seemed like he had actually reached something worth trying to reach. Then he started talking about materialistic things, and how they cannot make you happy, and how you are God and everything around you basically. I found myself overwhelmed, and confused. I wasn't sure if I agreed with that, or if I really wanted to see things from his perspective. But having watched the video, I felt obligated almost, like I had no choice but to examine his views further and try and pursue them. After all, I don't believe one would speak to passionately about something that wasn't worth it. It's almost as if that's all it takes to convince me that it's right. Yet an ordinary person would watch that video and consider him to be crazy, or even if they didn't they would probably just go on about their day and live the life like they know it. Sorry about going a little bit off topic, but I really want to share how I work, and how my mind works.

    I've come to the conclusion that I'm a nihilist. And wanting to save myself from it, I'm actively trying to look for answers, or invent answers, without success. Many people that are nihilist is also very knowledgable people, alot more than myself, and most of them probably possess a stronger intellectual mind than myself. Yet not even the smartest of people, can find an answer to this nightmare. Friedrich Nietzsche himself, is thought to have gone mad at one point, even though he was the the grand explorer of this disease. How am I going to be able to cope? How will I ever feel happy, not lonely and complete?

    I want to feel peace in being with ordinary people, without experiencing immense loneliness and frustration, and feeling a need for them to understand me. If this is impossible, my life is over, as I am no longer comfortable around my family, friends or girlfriend. I'd have to cut ties with all of them, and isolate myself even more. The fact is, my girlfriend has been trying to be understanding and trying to connect with me, however I know that if she truly did, she would be in the same position as me. She is not, thankfully, and is living her ordinary life, with her ordinary family and ordinary needs. I do love her, and I do appreciate her more than anyone else in my life, but like most others, she's still an ant, and i'm a cow.
  2. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    At this point of my life, here's what I've come to. Happiness must come from the self, otherwise it's dependent on other people, and a person has only true control over themselves. Happiness can be defined as a state of being focused on a single, well defined thought, or a very coherent, interconnected set of thoughts. It can be either something one likes to do, for example the videography or editing you mentioned, or, when one's tired of things he's interested in, it can be a prop and a process of what they call meditation.

    Whatever one feels like being, one has to seek out the most similar beings to that and be in their company to not feel isolated. So you need to find the cows, if they exist. If they don't, or you can't find any, it's okay. One always has the choice to make plans to find similar people, come up with new ideas to try to find them, or end the whole thing. This latter is not a suggestion from my part, just pointing out that this particular freedom is in the hands of the individual, at least as long as they're in a relatively conscious state. I don't know whether you were born an only child or not, if you were, you've probably learned to play alone early on. I have. When there's no one to play with, one invents ways to play by or with themselves.

    You are already complete and will always be.
    MermaidFairy likes this.
  3. MermaidFairy

    MermaidFairy Member

    What makes you think you're different from ordinary people? How could you and your girlfriend bond to begin with, if you were so different?
    softboober likes this.
  4. ListenNighGlint

    ListenNighGlint Active Member

    Why is it a problem to be a nihilist...?! Why do you want to save yourself from it, as if it were something negative? :eek:
    softboober likes this.
  5. fschmidt

    fschmidt Active Member

    You are contradicting yourself. I actually disagree with both of these (contradictory) views. To say that happiness comes from self is to deny human nature since humans are social animals. But to try to find other intelligent people is hopeless since intelligence is so rare.

    Rather than ants, consider dogs. Dogs are not intellectuals but are still good companions because they have other appealing traits like loyalty. The best that an average person can be is something like a good dog. But this is good enough. Living in culture where people are like good dogs is probably the closest to ideal that is possible and I would be very happy with this. Unfortunately modern culture makes people more like rabid dogs.

    The first expression of nihilism is probably Ecclesiastes. I oppose this nihilism as I explained here:


    I believe that the best life is within the best religious community that one can find where people are trained to behave well. I practice this by being active in my local mosque.
    Ruryse likes this.
  6. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    You probably feel that it's a contradiction because you assume that isolation is necessarily an unhappy state, and being in a company that accepts a person is necessarily a happy situation. While the latter is true most of the time, such situations are not entirely dependent on the individual, so one shouldn't cling to them, since they can change and vanish. If someone can make him/herself happy while being entirely isolated and alone, that's the kind of happiness that can never be separated from them.

    The process of trying itself can bring out happiness in such an individual, even if they never find another person of similar intelligence. The obstacle is the path.

  7. softboober

    softboober Active Member

    Ok, but then why seek out the company of the most similar beings, as you put it? If there's a sure fire, self-contained source of happiness without any company, then what's the point of searching for the needles in the haystack and try to find similarly rare people? :eek:
    Ruryse and fschmidt like this.
  8. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    Mate and kin finding are innate, instinctive behaviors. It's exactly what @fschmidt said, that people are social animals. Just like survival, it's a built-in goal, so why would one not follow this instinct? But the positive outcome, or the longevity of such relationships are not guaranteed. So when they happen, find joy in them and be happy, and when they don't happen, find joy in trying to find them (or in other things) and be happy.
  9. softboober

    softboober Active Member

    But if you find happiness in relationships, how is it coming from the self?
  10. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    Someone's happiness emerges in and from the person, as a reaction to something, like the above discussed situation. You couldn't be happy without existing.
    softboober likes this.
  11. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    I forgot to say this, quite bluntly: try to get the woman you want, don't surrender to the one(s) that might want you, just because they want you. That way, you can get rid of those self-delusional excuses.
  12. ListenNighGlint

    ListenNighGlint Active Member

    Is it the scenario described in this thread?
    Ruryse likes this.
  13. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    Yes, pretty much, paired with a certain level of self-consciousness/low self-esteem from the person who accepts such an offer, even though they don't fully and genuinely like the person making the offer.
  14. ListenNighGlint

    ListenNighGlint Active Member

    Honestly, the way I see it, most people get into relationships for sex alone. The more friends they have, the less it seems to matter to have a true mate...
    softboober likes this.
  15. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

  16. ListenNighGlint

    ListenNighGlint Active Member

    Low promiscuity only correlates with IQ for men, doesn't it...? Women are just less promiscuous by nature... keep repeating that so you might actually start believing it. :)
    Ruryse likes this.
  17. Ruryse

    Ruryse Active Member

    lmao. Actually, they are, although not by a great margin, and their ways are different as well, so it tends to be just a bit more subtle.

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